**NEW 1/1/18** Chapter 5 – E07


Chapter 5

When I got back into town, I was not met with a lot of enthusiasm. The whole time I was gone, Lucy had to take care of my son. I forced her to be a parent, and for that, I was grateful.

We ended up just trying to make life work for a while. The problem was, as soon as I got back, gran was back to the same ole same ole, and so, we couldn’t really stay there anymore.  On top of that, as soon as I got back into town, I parked the car at the house, and after 2 days of being home, the repo men came and got the car. Just like that, we were vehicle less again.

Life was getting rough because of living with gran without a vehicle. On a whim, we ended up going to a place that gave us housing assistance. They helped us get a little tiny house.

Even though the house was small, we made it our home. It was just Lucy, my son and I, and for that, I was thankful. We had one room, a kitchen and a bathroom.

At this time, it was tax time and we got a nice little chunk of change. I think it was like $1,800.

We ended up getting the internet and somehow Sprint gave us cell phones. We were also able to get a car, a Honda Accord. We bought the car on a whim because it looked good, but we were told that it would need struts soon, and when we were driving it, it would screech on both front sides. I figured that it wouldn’t be anything to go and get some struts from a junk yard. I was wrong. This is a part that needed to be bought new, and I had found that out after I had purchased the vehicle. I couldn’t afford to put new struts on it and really hated it after a couple of weeks.

After a short period of time, Ralph started coming over to our new home. He had been staying with gran and gran was getting worse with her dementia. Ralph was on the needle at this point in time. In fact, he had had an incident with an 18 year old woman that was accusing him of shooting her up with bleach. He really is a terrible person and this didn’t surprise us at all. I personally know 5 women that Ralph shot up for the first time.

One night, one of Lucy’s friends needed a place to stay because she was fighting with her mom. Her name was Bernice. Bernice and Ralph had fell in love a while ago, and they were terrible for each other. After countless times of these 2 people getting into fights because Ralph would have sex with whoever he wanted, and she was possessive and crazy just like him, they finally realized that they were a train wreck together. They are both bi-polar and everything they did together was all bad.

Her mother and step dad had us meet them at a CVS to get Bernice. When they pulled up, they were acting really nasty towards Bernice, and so I stepped in and started cussing these people out, telling them “what kind of parent puts their child out in the middle of winter” and “you guys are trash”. Things along that line. I can’t stand people that think they are better than anyone else, those that hurt others when others obviously have problems. I told them that her daughter had problems because they had problems and how could they ever expect their daughter to get better at life if they abandoned her at every moment, just as she was getting back on her feet. I hate people like that. Nasty people.

When we invited her over to stay with us, Lucy told her that Ralph was living in the basement of our house, and that if she and Ralph decided to mess around with each other, get intimate in any way, Bernice would not be able to live with us anymore. She said she wouldn’t do anything with him, and agreed to help us in any way that she could.

I ended up giving her one of the cell phones that I had gotten at tax time because we were out of money and she told us that she would help us by paying more than half of the bill. I was stoked about this because we really needed at least one phone.

About a week after Bernice moved in, Lucy and I came home and we couldn’t find her. Lucy opened the basement door, and said out loud “I told you if you started having sex with my brother, you have to go, so, it’s time to go. Get out.” At this, Lucy came back up the stairs and told me that when she walked downstairs, all she could see was her brothers pimply rear end and Bernice’s rear as they were having sex doggy style.

Now, at this point, I decided to do something nice for this woman. I looked at Lucy and said “slow down, I know that she messed up, but we both knew that this was going to happen. Let’s give her one more chance.”

At this, Bernice came up the stairs very sadly. When she emerged from the basement, Lucy said to her “why would you do that? We gave you a place to stay for basically free and all we asked is that you NOT do anything with my brother” Right then, Ralph emerged from the basement and said “Don’t be mad at her. I am the one who talked her into it. Be mad at me.”

I then spoke up and said “I knew this was going to happen. You guys can’t do this here. This ain’t that. But… I told Lucy to give you one more chance. She said she didn’t want to, but I talked her into it. So, do NOT do this again. You guys can’t have a relationship of any sort. It doesn’t work and we don’t need the drama.”

She said okay and that she promised she wouldn’t have sex with Ralph anymore, and Ralph agreed as well.

From that point on, they just hung out together. One day shortly after this event, we ended up selling the Honda and buying a Saturn. It was better on gas and didn’t make that awful screeching sound.

Ralph and Bernice wanted to go to Wal-Mart a few days after we bought the Saturn, and so we let them.      An hour later they both came flying up to the house, ran inside, and Ralph ran down into the basement. We asked what was going on, and Bernice told us that her and Ralph had just gotten caught stealing and that they had to run from the loss prevention people.

We were like “what the heck! Did they see our car?” They both said that they didn’t know, but think that they might have. Ralph said to not worry, that they probably wouldn’t do anything about it.

That same day, a police officer pulled up to our house. He came up to our door and asked if we had just had anything to do with a theft at Wal-Mart. Bernice was sitting in the living room.

Lucy and I told the cop that we had let her brother borrow the car for a little bit, but that he hadn’t told us that anything fishy had happened while he was using it. The cop asked if Ralph was here, but we told him no. That he had dropped of the car and went out with some of his friends.

The officer had a picture of Bernice from the store cameras but it wasn’t very good. He compared the picture to all three of us and then said very matter of factly that we were good, that none of us was the culprit. He said to not let Ralph borrow the car anymore. We said that we wouldn’t and the officer took off.

At this, I ran downstairs and called Ralph an idiot, but that everything was good and that he wasn’t allowed to borrow the car anymore. He just laughed at us and came upstairs.

Over the next couple of weeks, Bernice started becoming a pest. Lucy and I couldn’t have sex like we wanted to, and we couldn’t get Bernice to just leave for any period of time. We would even ask her to leave for a little bit. She would get this real bitter look on her face and would have a nasty attitude. The reason for this was because we wanted to have sex, but she couldn’t have sex with Ralph, and so she was getting very salty.

Finally, one day, out of nowhere, she said that she was going to stay at her mom’s for the weekend. She started packing the few things she had at the house, and Lucy told me that she had a feeling that Bernice was going to cut out and that we ought to get the phone from her before she left. I said okay and then approached Bernice. I asked her if she was coming back and she said “yes”, that she just needed a break from here. I said okay, and that we would see her soon. I told Lucy this and she said “yeah right, she ain’t coming back.” I said “I don’t know, she said she was”. She wasn’t.

A few days went by, and we started blowing up her (our) phone and telling her that we were going to call the police if she didn’t bring our phone back. I even remotely locked her phone through an app, but it didn’t matter. She screwed us. We had to still pay the bill for that phone and so, we just let the phones lapse. I was so pissed. There was nothing we could do, and so, we moved on.

It was that time of the month again, and gran had gotten her pills. She gave Lucy about 75 of them at this time and we started popping them. I wanted to get higher than I had ever gotten off of pills and so, I would sneakily take 2 or 3 every 45 minutes or so. Sometimes 5 at a time. I did this for almost 12 hours straight. Lucy was asleep during the night that I did this. She woke up and half of the pill were gone, but hey, I was higher than I had ever been. It was awesome.

Shortly after this, Ralph decided to have some girl named Patty over to the house. Patty was Lucy’s best friend Celeste’s step mother. He had brought her down to his basement and had shot her up for the first time. They had sex down there and when they finally came upstairs, she looked ragged. She told us that she had to go and off she went.

2 days later, Patty’s husband came over to our house and started beating on our door. He was yelling “where are you at you rapist? You shot my wife up with DOPE and had sex with my wife! I’m about to call the police on this house. All you sick people are going to prison. And you have kids in there? Come out Ralph, I’ll beat you to death with the baseball bat (which he had).”

Ralph was in the basement. I went down there and told him what was going on. He said just ignore him or tell him I’m not here. I decided to talk to this man.

I opened the front door as he was starting to walk away. I told him that Ralph wasn’t here, this wasn’t his house and that he needed to get out of here or we were going to call the cops.

He said “Go ahead! You meth junkies!”

I told him that I didn’t do meth and that this wasn’t a meth house. That we had our son in the house and whatever he was talking about, I had no idea about.

He said that we would pay, and started walking down the road.

A couple of hours later, 2 police officers and CPS showed up at our house. Ralph was in the basement.

The cops told us that they wanted to come into the house and search it, that they had gotten a tip that there was a meth lab in the basement. They asked if Ralph was down there and we told them that he had not been there in a couple of days. They said “can we search” and though we could have said no, CPS was there, and we did not need any of this. So, we let them search.

They went down there, and we just knew that they were about to arrest Ralph. A few minutes later, the cops came back up, with NO Ralph in tow. They said that it looked like no one had stayed down there for a little while now. They said to not have him in the house anymore and that they would be watching for him. We told them that we wouldn’t let him in at all. That we had no idea anything like what they were saying had happened had happened.

CPS decided to stick around and talk to us, to question us. We told the worker that we would cooperate in any way we could, that we were great parents and that we had had all kinds of problems with Ralph, but that we were not bad parents at all, that we were doing the very best as we could to take care of our son.

The worker looked our son over, checked out our home, watched us interact with our son, and just generally paid close attention to things in our home, to see if we really were good parents.

After about an hour, the worker said that he was satisfied with everything and that he would close this case, that nothing more would come from this situation and to keep Ralph away from the home.

We told him that we would and that we too were tired of all the drama that came with Ralph. We thanked him and watched him drive off.

After this, I flew down into the basement and started looking for Ralph. He was hidden up in the dirt under the floorboards of the house. Very well hidden. He had taken all of his dope supplies with him and made it look like he hadn’t been there by hiding most of his stuff up in the dirt with him. It was crazy.

Ralph was ready to leave and never come back at this point. He knew that the police were looking for him now, and so, he packed everything up, waited until late at night, and took off. That was that. We were Ralph free. Well, at least free of him living with us.

We got to have a couple of weeks free from drama finally, to enjoy the home that we had gotten because of our son. It was relaxing.

Ralph had gotten a motel room and had met another woman during this time named Liv.

They were getting along pretty well and we liked Liv. She was a little Mexican woman that stood up to Ralph.

Ralph wanted to start working. He didn’t have an ID, and he needed one bad. He couldn’t get one from the town we lived in because he couldn’t get his birth certificate, but, he said that if he went to Arkansas, he would be able to just run into the BMV there and pick up a new ID because Arkansas is a simple state to get anything done.

He then asked if we could drive him to Arkansas. I was actually okay with this. I needed a vacation and this would help get Ralph on the right track. He said that he would pay for the whole trip and that we would only be gone a couple of days. He wanted to visit his wife and kids and introduce us to some people. He also wanted to get some red phosphorus meth while there, and said that after he got a good big shot of that dope, that he was going to cut down on doing meth. Yeah right Ralph.

Anyway, we ended up getting on the road the next morning. Liv wanted to come with us, and she had a little money to help with the trip. She also had 30 Vicodin 1000’s.

The trip there wasn’t that long. It took us something like 8 hours with all the stops and such. The thing was, is that Ralph had cooked a couple of grams of dope before we left, and he had put the dope filled coffee filters into a 20oz bottle of soda. Once there were in there, the soda became a super awesome mix of meth that, if you only took a sip of it, you would be high for hours. It was incredibly strong, and I know this because, at every instance that I could take a sip out of it, I did.

I had wanted to get high so badly on meth since I had last gotten high on it the year before, and I couldn’t find it, nor could I tell Ralph to let me have some. I had HAD to abstain from it and it sucked. Now though, I had the opportunity to get high and I took it. No one had any idea that I was lit.

We finally got to Arkansas and Ralph was ready to meet his people. First thing though, we went right to the BMV. I told everyone that I was going to sit in the car with my son. Lucy and Liv wanted to go with Ralph, and so they did.

While they were gone, I sipped on the soda and touched my penis. It felt so great to be high again. I was so excited. I hope that they would be a while in the BMV, but they weren’t. Just like Ralph said, he walked in and got his ID without any issue.

After that, we went over to his family’s house. We started meeting his cousins and uncles and aunts. We went by some of his old stomping grounds, and it was cool, but all I really wanted to do was to get higher at this point. I ended up drinking most of the soda, but there was still a significant amount left when Ralph decided to clean out the car after taking a shot of the red phosphorus dope that he had gotten from a cousin of his.

While we were at said cousins, he had thrown the soda bottle on top of the trash can by the edge of the road, and I seen it. At the end of the night, I was lying on the couch with Lucy, waiting for her to fall asleep, until she finally did.

I was coming down badly and needed to get to that bottle. I ended up going outside to get it, but I was so paranoid that someone was going to see me grab it, that for some reason I just stood at the corner of the house for 2-3 hours. Right outside in the open. My body would not go forth and simply grab the bottle.

I ended up going back inside and tried laying down, but I was higher than a kite still. There was no sleep.

In the morning, Ralph was ready to get on the road and get back to our state. He said his goodbyes and we jumped on the road. I let Ralph drive.

Within an hour, Liv and Ralph were arguing. I was sitting right behind Ralph when out of nowhere; Ralph turns to Liv and smacks her right in her mouth. At that moment I wanted to punch Ralph right in the side of the head. Everything in me was saying just knock this dude out. It would have been so simple. Unfortunately, he had chosen to smack her, wisely. If I would have knocked him out, we were going 70mph down the freeway and my son was right next to me in the middle of the back seat. I could not afford to let anyone in that car get hurt.

I decided to not do anything. Lucy and I just stared at each other. She knew what I wanted to do, but I knew that she knew why I didn’t. No words were said at all by us during this time. We bit the bullet and listened to Ralph and Liv continue to argue.

After about 20 minutes, they finally calmed down. It was a very stressful situation.

Also, on the way back, we didn’t really have any money, and so we were trying to figure out what to do. Lucy had an idea to check to see if she could overdraft her debit card and so we pulled into a gas station and she tried. It worked! She was able to pull out $100 from the ATM. At this, I told her to try to get another, but when she tried, that wasn’t happening. Declined. We got some snacks and some gas and Ralph went into the bathroom to do a shot.

During this time, Liv stayed in the car. Lucy and I told her that it was ridiculous what Ralph had just done. I told her that I really wanted to knock him out, but that I had to think about my son. She said that she understood. We told her that as soon as we got back to the house, that she should leave him alone. She said that she planned on it. She then told us that she had 20 Vicodin left and asked if we wanted any. We told her yes, took a couple of them each, and then she told us that Ralph was going to want the rest and that she didn’t want to give them to him. She decided to tell him that she ate them all, so that she could have them when she got back, to get a little money out of them. She ended up hiding them inside of her vagina so that if he got pissed and searched her, he wouldn’t find them. Always a crazy time with Ralph. Another hour later, Ralph finally came out of the bathroom after finally hitting his vein and getting high. He was back to “Normal” again. We hit the road.

I was very tired from the last 2 days of being awake. I decided to let Ralph continue to drive so that I could get some sleep in the back seat. I fell instantly into a deep sleep.

I woke up 3 hours later to us being parked at a sex toy store. I asked Lucy what was going on and she said that Liv and Ralph were in the store..

She said that Ralph had seen this store from the freeway and he wanted to go in and see if he could steal some stuff.

About an hour later, Liv came out. She said that the people in the store were watching them real bad, and that Ralph couldn’t really get anything. She said that he would be out shortly.

Another HOUR AND A HALF passed by before he finally came out. When he jumped into the car, he pulled out a big black dildo that was hollow and had a vibrator that fit in the hollow space. He said that it was the only thing that he could steal. It was hilarious.

We got back on the road.

After about 4 hours, we got stuck in some traffic outside our state. There was construction going on, and so we started crawling along. For some reason the car started overheating. Apparently the fan wasn’t working and when there was no air flowing through the grill of the car, the engine wasn’t getting cooled off.

Every quarter of a mile or so we would have to pull off onto the shoulder.  This pissed so many people off because you could pass on the shoulder and with us in the way, there was no passing. There was rail and a gully off to the left, and so when we were on the shoulder cooling down, we blocked everyone from passing, which was fine by me, because I can’t stand those that can’t wait. Chill out and wait like the rest of us.

We finally made it through traffic though. An hour and a half we were back in town. What a trip.

When we got back into town, we ended up dropping Liv off at her mom’s house. She didn’t want to be around Ralph anymore for the time being. She wasn’t mad at him because she knew how he was, and she even said that she had goaded him into slapping him. That was not an excuse though. She was excusing him and it was ridiculous.

We dropped Ralph off at one of his friends and Lucy, my son and I all went back to the house. It was getting close to spring now, and the weather was warming up.

During this time, my friend Bags started coming around. I really needed to get high in any way shape or form because meth was on my mind terribly and so, I had him bring over blunt after blunt. He was at my house every day from that point on.

One day he decided that he wanted to downgrade his truck and get a cheaper vehicle. He wanted to sell his truck to buy a pound of weed. We thought that we could easily get $1500 for his truck and so we started looking around.

We found this car lot that had low low prices on the windshields. We pulled in and asked about a car that had $500 on it. The guy said it WAS only $500 and so we found someone that would take Bags’ truck for $1300 the next day. He went ahead and sold it and we went back to get that $500 car.

When we got there, the owner was like “it’s NOT $500 total, it’s $500 DOWN.” We were so pissed. Bags didn’t want a payment, and so, at that point, we started the trading game.

His grandfather decided to help him get a car asap. We started flipping things. We bought a very nice 99 Cadillac Seville for $900, but it had a bad head gasket, so we parked it. We then used the rest of the money to buy a 96 Chevy Caprice Wagon for $600, the seller telling us that all we needed to do was change the valve covers, so we did, but it was still smoking badly, so we parked it as well.

Then, we found someone to buy the Caprice for a handgun, so Bags did that. Then we found someone that wanted to trade an 88 Suzuki GS1000 for it. We drove the Seville up to where the motorcycle was and told the guy that the water pump needed to be fixed, that it was overheating. He said that he didn’t care about that, that his wife would be using it for only short trips to the store and such. His motorcycle was awesome. We ended up making the trade.

Bags couldn’t ride a motorcycle though. I could. I told him to jump on the back, and I trailed him (rode him behind me) all the way home. This bike was awesome. It wasn’t stock, it had been modified to drag race. It flew with both of us on it. We couldn’t really go that fast though because I didn’t have any goggles or a mask. I had to keep it below 80mph, though we could have easily gone 140mph with both of us on it.

He was terrified of this bike. He wanted to learn how ride, but this was not a little bike by any means. We decided to take him to a parking lot and let him try.

You could tell he wasn’t ready, but he did it. He had been paying attention to my instruction, and he got it, but he didn’t get it great. After I went home, he told me that he had gone around the block a few times on it, and hadn’t crashed, but he still wasn’t sure of himself, and so he put the bike up to try and sell it. I told him that I wanted to buy it, but I had no money.

I got an idea to call my best friend to ask him if he knew anyone that wanted to buy an awesome bike. He told me immediately that he knew just the person and to bring it up to his city. I told Bags this and he and his grandfather jumped into his grandfather’s car, me on the bike, and off we went.

I opened this bike up while it was just me. 130mph feels amazing on a bike.

We got to my friends friend’s house. When we pulled in, we were given 2 options. A. We could trade for my buddies truck which need leaf springs and basically a brand new bed because the bed was rusted through, or B. We could trade for a 95’ Kawasaki Ninja. This bike was beautiful and I knew, I just knew that we could easily get $2500 out of it. I told Bags that we could actually make money with this bike, and so he told me to take it out and see what it could do. I did, but I only went around the neighborhood. It felt fine, but when I went back to the house, the seller told me that we needed to clean the 4 carburetors because they were gummed up real bad, that we wouldn’t get full power. I told him that we would take care of it. Bags agreed to do the trade, and off we went.

We took the back roads home. Like the GS1000, there was no plate on this bike. I couldn’t really get over 80mph and for some reason, the bike kept dying on the ride back. Then I would have to run a short distance and pop the clutch to get it going. This happened about 3 times before I got onto a straight away where I tried to open it up and sustain it.

I hit 90mph but that was it. I tried to pass a car full of guys quickly, but I ended up just passing them slowly. It was ridiculous. This was a Ninja and it should have torn up pavement.

When I finally let off of it, I started hearing a real bad rattle. We pulled up to my house and let it idle. I knew what I had done. I had blown a valve on this bike.

On top of that, the reason that I couldn’t get this bike to start by pushing the button was that we thought that the starter was going bad. We parked the bike and started researching it.

The next day, I decided to pull the starter off and clean it. I got it off, broken down, cleaned and put back together. Then I connected a battery to it and tested it to see if it would turn. It did and it did like a champion, so I put it back onto the bike and turned it over. It didn’t catch at all. You could hear it just whirring. This was a real problem. The only thing that could be wrong at this point was that the starter clutch was worn down and had no teeth to catch from the starter. This was a serious problem.

The only way to fix it was to break the motor in half and repair it from the center out. A major job that we didn’t have the tools to fix. On top of that, when I emptied the oil, there was so much metal in the oil that I knew we had major internal injuries on the engine. We had just traded an awesome bike for a junk bike. Just like that, we were out all of his money.

Thankfully his grandfather was willing to buy Bags a vehicle, but I wasn’t allowed to be any part of the deal. I was so thankful that he Bags was still able to get another GOOD vehicle. Thus, that was the end of my trading days.

Bags smoked a blunt with me in his new truck and we looked forward.

I really wanted to get some meth. At this point, Lucy was had picked up a job at a nursing home, and so she wasn’t there very often. This was my chance to get on Craigslist and start looking for someone to get high with and to have sex with.

Also, I started asking around people that I knew if they could find any meth, that a buddy of mine was looking for it, and that he would pay well.

Bags said that he could probably get some, and I told him to look into it. I would buy it and sell it to my buddy. He was able to get me some, but at this point in time, Bags wanted to get high too, and so he started doing it. He had terrible prices, so I could only get some from him every so often.

One night, Lucy and I got into an argument and I told her that I was going over to a friend of mines house. Lucy went over to gran’s house and when I thought the coast was all clear, I went back to the house. I didn’t think she was going to come back home for the night, so, I decided to order up a little meth and go back to the house.

At this point, I didn’t know what an Oil Burner was (a meth pipe) and so, I used a straight crack pipe without the brillo in it to smoke my dope. You have to be very careful this way because the dope will run right into your mouth.

When I got my dope, I went into my bathroom and started to masturbate. I had been going for about an hour and was just about to come. I had worked for my orgasm and was really stoked that I got to do this in privacy for the first time in my own home. It was awesome.

Just at the point that I was about to orgasm, I heard a car door outside. Then I heard the front door open, and then the bathroom door opened. There I was on the toilet with my penis in my hand. I was so mad that I just had my awesome orgasm interrupted.

Lucy came in and started screaming at me, calling me a crack head and this and that. She only seen the crack pipe, and didn’t know that there was meth in it. I pulled my pants up and told her that I was sorry, that I just wanted to get high and to go back to gran’s please.

That wasn’t happened. She was pissed off at me for a couple of hours, then she finally came back down to earth. Thankfully she didn’t think it was meth. Crack was one thing, meth was a completely different monster to her.

We made it through it and went on with life. One night a couple of nights later, I wrote Ralphs buddy that used to cook dope with him when I first met this family, the guy that started Ralph on cooking, and asked him if he could get any dope. He said that he could and told me to come on by his house.

I waited for Lucy to fall asleep, then rushed over to the alley where I was told to meet him. He was waiting there and took my $20 bill, handed me my dope, and off to the house I went.

When I got inside, I snuck into the bathroom, put the dope into my crack pipe, started trying to hit it, but nothing was happening. I pulled the fat chunk of dope out of the pipe, licked it, and was crappy. It was salt.

I texted him back and told him “that it was cool. Don’t worry about it. I’m not mad” because I didn’t need any trouble. He knew that I couldn’t tell Lucy about this, so he knew that I wouldn’t make a scene. He got me good. I was salty.

Now, during this time, I was tired of being poor, and I had a really awesome idea to make a website to thwart cyberbullying, and so, I decided to start looking around to build this idea of mine into something tangible.

I found a developer who told me that it would cost me $650 to get the site done exactly as I wanted. I was STOKED! This was the cheapest project that I had designed and I could really make an impact!

I decided to start calling celebrities using contactanycelebrity.com. I ended up talking to some really powerful people during this time, including Steve Wozniak, co-founder of Apple. I have his cell phone number in my phone right now still.

But the problem was, no one wanted to invest. I had to resort to asking my friends and family to come up with this small amount.

I finally did, came up with an awesome marketing avenue, built this site, and pushed it.

A month before this, we had been invited to go on vacation to South Carolina, to a cabin in the mountains.

6 days after I launched this site, we went down there for 5 days. I really wanted to vacation down there, and figured that I would be able to spend most of my time pushing my website. I was excited. We were told that the trip, besides our gas, would be paid for, and so, we really wanted to enjoy ourselves. We asked gran for the money to get down there and she gave it to us.

We took off, got down there, and it sucked. The worst thing possible happened: There was no internet. We were deep in the mountains and so, the site that I had just spent the last month preparing, sat idle while I was away.

The worst thing was that I was receiving so much traffic due to my marketing idea, and I could not do anything at all to make us money from where I was at.

The trip was terrible. Lucy’s family hates me, and nothing was different here. They all thought that I was doing a get rich quick scheme, and so treated me with contempt the whole time. Then on top of that, they made us use our food stamps while we were there to feed everyone. It was a terrible trip, and I had to get back. I asked Lucy if I could take the car and go back early. She had been talking about wanting to stay there for a little longer over the regular time that we had scheduled to be at the cabin. They wanted to extend the time they were there, and I was not about to lose any more time on my website.

She agreed to let me go. Her aunt told her that she would drop Lucy off in a few days.

I packed up my stuff, kissed Lucy and my son goodbye, and jumped on the road.

Of course, because I had a few days of freedom, you know that I immediately went to work trying to find drugs, at the same time as I was working on my website.

I got on Craigslist and found a guy that would buy my crack if I would give him oral. I took the car and met him at a gas station. He had me jump in his car and we drove to an abandoned house that he said he used for this purpose. We parked in the back, he gave me some dope, I put it into my pipe, hit it, held it in and put his penis in my mouth. I exhaled and was instantly high. I took care of him quickly and let him finish in my mouth.

I really liked this guy, and so from that point on, we tried to get together once every couple of weeks. He was fun and he got me very high. Plus, he had a nice penis.

Lucy ended up showing back up a few days later like she planned. At this time though, things were not going good for us. At around this point, everything fell further apart. We ended up getting evicted from the house because not once in 4 months did we pay the rent. It was only $250 a month with everything included, and yet, we couldn’t nor wouldn’t pay the rent. We got high and didn’t care about anything else. Not even our own child’s welfare apparently.

We ended up going back to the trailer, once again. Yayyyy!

Shortly after getting to the trailer, we needed money, and so decided to sell the car to buy another one for cheaper. In fact, it was wild, but we ended up getting $800 for our car, then turning around and buying another Saturn just like ours for $400. It was awesome. This one just didn’t have an exhaust pipe. It was loud, but who cares! $400 in our pocket.

Now, Bags was still coming around.

He had some money on him one day and I wanted to get high. I convinced him to get an 8 ball of crack. I had some money on me too, but I was supposed to use it to go and pull a muffler from the junkyard. We had my son with us.

We ended up sitting in the car at the junkyard smoking all my money up. Then he took my money and went and bought some more dope. After this, he started fronting me dope because he knew that I would pay him back. We didn’t have any more money after it was all said and done, and we ended up running out of gas at a gas station. We were both high.

He had to call his grandfather and have him come up and give us some gas. It was awful. Just like I normally do, I hadn’t called Lucy for hours and so, I had to eventually drive back to her with my tail between my legs.

This time was different though. She told me that I had to go. Like actually meant it. I was terrified. I literally had to beg her to not kick me out. I was high begging. At that point, I made a decision to stop smoking crack. I was honest and told her that I really meant it and that I would never look back. I really meant well, but I wanted one more good run with it before I fully committed to quitting.

At this point, we were getting messed with by gran again. Ralph hadn’t been around and that was great, but gran on her own is bad too. We had to get out of there.

I ended up calling around churches to see if we could get some help and get into a motel or something. Someone from a church ended up calling us back and told us that they had an apartment that we could stay at for a week. It didn’t have any furniture in it, but we could put a blow-up mattress in it. We were stoked.

We ended up getting in there. It was nice, but we knew it was temporary. Lucy had just gotten a new job, and so she was gone during the days. My son and I stayed at this house while she was gone.

The third day we were there, she was gone, and I called the guy that would buy crack for me to give him oral. I told him that I had the house to myself and told him to come over as quick as possible. He did.

My son was sleeping in his pack and play in the kitchen when he got there. I didn’t tell him this.

He brought about $75 dollars worth of crack. I loaded my pipe and had him start giving me oral. Just as I was about to orgasm, I hit my pipe. It was the best orgasm I had ever had. In his mouth. It was the perfect end to my crack days.

We ended up having sex after that and I finished him off in my mouth. I had a great time and I thanked him for coming over. That was that. I was done with crack.

I wasn’t done with drugs though. Bags was able to get some good meth after this. I had gotten a front of $20 worth of it from him, then drove back to that house.

When I got it, I didn’t get high immediately. I waited until Lucy went to bed, then I went into the bathroom and started smoking and masturbating. I was afraid she was going to catch me, and so, I went out to the car, put on some porn, hit my dope, and masturbated for hours. She never woke up and came out to check on me, but at 7am, after being out there all night, the boutique that we lived above opened up and the owner showed up shortly after.

I was very paranoid at this time, and I kept looking around. I was very suspicious sitting in this car with my hand in my pants, porn playing secretly. I was trying to hide everything, but instead I stood out like a sore thumb. I finally just came into my hand because I was a nervous wreck.

I went upstairs and laid down but didn’t fall asleep. Shortly after this Lucy woke up and had to go to work. While she was gone, I sat in the house and masturbated more.

A couple of days later, Bags had a nervous breakdown and needed somebody there to talk to him. I went over to where he was, and while he was crying, I laid my hands on his head and attempted to call God into him, to expel demons from him. I don’t know why I did that. It was weird, but it seemed like the perfect thing to do at the time. I said “get out of him satan! I rebuke you!” For some reason it calmed him down, but it was a very weird moment in my life. I can’t explain to much more about it, because I don’t know why I did it, but needless to say, again, it calmed him.

At this point, we asked the people whose house we were staying in if we could stay one more week, but they instantly said no. I know they said no because of my suspiciousness and the fact that I was having people over while Lucy was at work.

So, we made a split decision. We decided that we would take everything we had and pack up. We were going to drive back down to South Carolina, and see if her cousin (who was awesome) would let us stay with her. She had told us to come down anytime when we were down there for the “hellcation”, and so, we did.

This was the first time that we had left the state TOGETHER with the intent of starting over. Lucy convinced gran to give us some money, about $600, and we got on the road. We knew what we were doing and had a plan. All we had to do was follow through with it, and everything would start fresh. We were going to take this money and put it on a trailer wherever we went, and we were not going to look back. We were going to get her cousin to help us for a few days while we searched and when we found what we were looking for, our lives were going to get that much better, so quick.

We just had to get down to South Carolina. That’s all.

**NEW 12/28/17** Chapter 4 – E06


Chapter 4

The $40 in my gas tank didn’t last too long. My problem, if you call it a problem, is that I don’t have a hustle. I’m terrified of pulling crimes because I get caught for the dumb things I don’t plan, so I figure that I will definitely get caught for the things that I do plan.

I needed gas though, so I turned to an old, but tried and true scam that has worked every time for me, one that I had never been caught doing. I pulled up to Wal-Mart, walked into the store, went and grabbed an expensive (non-technology based) item, kept it out in the open so as not to look suspicious, walked through the check-outs directly to the customer service desk, and promptly returned said item for a gift card. The item in question was a $140 tent.

Wal-Mart caught on to this long ago, but doesn’t know how to stop it from happening. Instead, they put limits on how often you can return things without receipts (3 in 6 months) and even more recently, started limiting the return amount to about $50 max, depending on the situation.

Also, if you get a gift card and the Wal-Mart has a Murphy U.S.A. gas station nearby, you can use the gift card to buy gas.

This was what I was looking for, but unfortunately, there were no WaI-Mart’s nearby with gas stations, so I did the tent thing and tried something new. After receiving the gift card, I went back to the check-out, bought a prepaid MasterCard, tried to load $100 on to it and look! It worked! I didn’t need the Murphy U.S.A. anymore! I could use any place that took MasterCard and that was everywhere!

I went across the street and tried to use it, but it didn’t work. I called the prepaid company and they said it could take up to 6 hours. It was time to wait patiently. After about 4 hours, my money showed up, I gassed up, went back and bought cigarettes and some food at Wal-Mart, jumped back on the freeway and continued my journey. I was stoked because I knew that I could do this a couple more times and get plenty of money for the trip. I hadn’t done it in years.

As I got into North Carolina later the next day, I needed money again. I was on my way to do the thing again, but while on the freeway, there was a red Mustang, brand new, that wanted to race me or something ignorant like that. I wasn’t looking for all that; I just wanted to get off the freeway. I was driving behind him, and he brake checked me. I was too close and had to swerve. When I did this, the tires locked on me and I spun out right in the middle of the freeway, and the day, going at least 60mph. I somehow landed in the ditch backward, but without any damage to myself, any other vehicles or my vehicle, minus a bent muffler that dug into the hill rising out of the ditch into a fronting a field or swamp or something. It was amazing. The red Mustang kept on going.

I got off the freeway and pulled into a gas station to assess the damage, tie the muffler up, put some more gas in and get some food before taking off, back on my mission. I was headed east and was only about 50 miles from the southbound interchange that would take me past Charlotte into South Carolina. When I got to Charlotte, I went to a hospital and told them that I had just got into an accident and that I needed to be seen. I wanted to get high and I knew that they would give me some pain pills, which they did, only taking about 2 hours to do such. I got a script of 12 5mg Vicodin.

I then went to Wal-Mart, did the tent thing again and got away with it. This time though, they hesitated. They told me that I had just done this the day before in Nashville. I said I did, that I had 2 tents from my family outing, and that I didn’t think to return both yesterday. They finally gave me the card.

After that, I took all 12 pills and regretted that almost immediately. I wanted to sleep, so I parked at the Wal-Mart I was at, and tried to sleep, but the pills kicked in and they were very fresh, meaning that they were extremely potent. 1 could not sleep for anything and itched and itched for about 6 hours. I finally drifted off.

The next day, it was time to get into South Carolina finally. I drove across the border and wanted to find some crack. I had been to this state before, and the last time I was here, if you pulled into certain places, guys would swarm your car with giant chunks of dope. That was what I was looking for in South Carolina.

I started driving around Rock Hill trying to find dope, looking everywhere for a dealer. I didn’t find one anywhere. I was getting really salty, when all of a sudden, my tire blows out. it’s about 11pm, and this happened out on a road that had all of its stores closed, or were closing for the night. I pulled into a Chinese ran gas station, told him I was going to be working on my car in his parking lot for a bit because I had a blow out, got a mean look from him, and then I walked out. I had no idea how I was going to find a tire. I did the only thing I could think at the time; walk door to door trying to find someone that might know someone that might have a tire.

I walked for about 45 minutes through a subdivision knocking on doors, when finally I seen in the distance a vehicle just like mine, I ran to the door, knocked until a younger black woman answered, and asked if she had a spare, telling her that I had the same car, model year 2002. She said the car was her moms and that she would ask.

A few minutes later, the owner came out and said she would help me if she could. We checked that she had a spare, and spent the next few minutes trying to figure out how to lower from underneath the rear of the car. I finally got it figured out, unattached it, told her thank you and that I would bring it back as soon aspossible, rolled the tire down the street to my car, pulled the old tire off, put the new tire on, and said “Thank GODI” when it fit, albeit a little larger than my old, blown out tire.

I hit the road again, again trying to find crack again. It was a terrible night, and I still could not find any dope. I eventually went to another Wal-Mart to sleep for the night and called it quits.

The next morning, I drove back into Rock Hill to a different Wal-Mart, wanting to get my final return out of the way. This time though, I grabbed a $250 dollar tent off the shelf. When I went to return it, things were very weird.

At first, the clerk told me “no”, that it was too much to return without a receipt. I kept insisting and finally a manager came up and started talking to me. He told me to wait while he found out if he could do It for me. I said “okay, thank you” and waited patiently.

I happened to catch him out of the corner of my eye, talking to a guy in plain clothes, not a Wal-Mart employee that I could tell, and he pointed in my direction. I didn’t think anything about it.

When the manager finally walked back to talk to me, he told the clerk to go ahead and let me have the gift card. She said okay, completed the transaction, gave me the card, and I started to leave the store.

All of a sudden, the plainclothes man walks up to me from one direction, the manager from another direction, and tells me that I need to come with them, telling me to give them the card back. The manager said that he thought this was an odd situation so he went and checked to see if I walked in with the tent or not. When he seen I didn’t, they set me up for a fraud charge.

Right then and there I bolted for the door. They grabbed me, tried to take my feet out from under me, to carry me to the Loss Prevention office, but I wasn’t having it. The guy in plainclothes had me around my neck and even as big as I am, I could not break his hold, The manager wasn’t doing anything with my feet. I wouldn’t let him. Finally, the plainclothes guy told him to stop trying to take my feet out from under me and he did. Plainclothes said to me simply “stop, I’m not letting go”, so I stopped. He said, “calm down, you know your busted” I said “I know”. He then said can I let up on the grip and put handcuffs on you?” I said “yeah” and let him. They then began asking me where the card was, and I started running them around saying I didn’t have it and I didn’t know where it was. I told them that the lady never handed it to me. He went and asked her, and she said that she did hand it to me. Then I said I threw it under a machine, They looked under the machines around us to no avail.

The whole time the card was in my back pocket. They finally patted me down and found It.

It was time to walk to the office. As we got near the door, which, stupidly, resides about 2 feet from the main entrance outer doors, in the area between the outer set and inner set of doors (where you grab a cart, or RedBox movie), I pushed plainclothes into the sliding doors and bolted. Somehow, and I mean, I have no idea how, this man managed to hang on to my arms and pull me back inside. It was an amazing feat of strength considering that I just slammed him full body into the glass as hard as I could, hard enough that I should have either broken or dislocated his shoulder. I was absolutely amazed that this didn’t happen.

When they got me into the office, he said “That’s it, you are trapped. You can’t go anywhere else. Nice try though.” I was bitter, but after about 2 minutes, I started cooperating with him.

Turned out, he wasn’t mad at me, and we started talking. He told me that that was a nice shot I tried to take at the end, and that I hurt him pretty badly. I apologized for that, telling him that it was just a last ditch attempt to get away and that I hoped he understood. He did.

At that about this time, a cop came flying in, taser out, red dot on my chest, barking at me to “stop resisting” I told him I was done resisting and so did plainclothes. Plainclothes and I were even laughing a little about the event as the cop came in. The cop put his taser away and asked what they wanted done.

Because I had eventually cooperated with them and not fought back, i.e., swung my fists or kicked them with my feet, plainclothes said he was not going to file a battery charge against me. I thanked him for this greatly. They only charge that I was given was something like “taking property under false pretenses” a small misdemeanor. The other thing they did hurt me much more than this though. From this point on, if I was caught on ANY Wal-Mart property, I would be arrested right then and there for trespassing. That sucked bad.

Finally, after few minutes, the cop took me out, put me in the car, and drove me to the jail.

Here is the thing: for the battery against Lucy months before, I was placed on 6 months of probation. I figured as soon as I got to the jail, they would see that I was on probation and call my state to let them know they had me, thus ending my little soirée of freedom, requiring me to go back to my state and go to jail there as well.

What ended up ACTUALLY happening was no less than amazing.

Come to find out, misdemeanors aren’t stored in a countrywide database, and unless I had told them that I was on probation somewhere else, they would never find out about that incident. Thankfully, I never told them.

I sat in cell for 2 days eating Stouffers frozen dinners (because that is what they served while waiting for court) until finally I got to see the judge.

When I got into court, I could take my case to trial, wait for a plea, or admit guilt right then and there. I just wanted to get this out of the way, so I admitted guilt and waited for sentencing.

The judge, a nice elderly woman, accepted my guilty plea, then passed on sentencing right then and there. I was to do 11 days on the chain gang and then be released! That was all!

I said thank you and off I went.

The chain gang consisted of a recycling center with a conveyer belt that a bunch of us stood at, pulling plastic, cans and any other recyclables, throwing them down long tubes into dumpsters, for 12 hours a day. It wasn’t hard work at all, and while I was in there, I met some pretty nice people, specifically one.

As I was leaving, I had no ride. I didn’t know if my car was towed when I went to jail almost 2 weeks prior. I left it at the Wal-Mart and really needed to get there and check. Fortunately, before I went into Wal-Mart, I had put the keys under my front seat and didn’t lock the doors. Everything I owned was in there.

One of the guys from the chain gang said that he would take me there to check. His girlfriend pulled up and off we went. I was so nervous when we pulled up. At first 1 didn’t see my car, and then booml There it wasl

I ran up to it, started it up, and my buddy told me to follow him back to his house.

When we got there, he rolled a blunt, Introduced me to his mom, and they both said to me that if 1 needed a place to stay for the time being, I was more than welcome. Southern hospitality at its finest.

Though I didn’t want to stay in the house and intrude, I asked if I could just park in the yard each night and fall asleep, maybe use the shower here and there while I looked for a job. At this point, I stopped trying to head to Charleston. This seemed like a nice enough area, so I decided to stay.

I should have kept going like I planned to. 

I still wanted to find crack. Now that I had a stable spot to relax, I tried something new.

I had been bi-sexual for some time, and all that 1 had learned from the prostitute had made me want to do what she was doing, but at the time I was her driver, I was still tightly in the closet, and didn’t want anyone that I knew, however closely, knowing that I was hi. So, instead of working with her and making more money, I just drove her, waiting for the opportunity to try doing what she did, at another time. Now was that time.

I went to a college in town because they usually have computers that the public can use. After getting logged in, I went on Craigslist and posted an advertisement that I gave massages and to call me, Within an hour, I had my first call and it was time to go make some money.

When I got to the clients hotel, I was nervous, but when I went inside, the nervousness started to fade away. He wanted a massage first, then a hand job. I told him I needed $160 and he agreed. Just like that, I was a prostitute.

I would do a job, then go buy crack. I had finally found a dealer right across the street from my buddy’s house. Well, not a real dealer. He only dealt crack because I wanted to buy it. I told him that if he kept a supply of it, I would buy it.

Sometimes I would rent a motel room, other times I would smoke in my car sneakily while parked in my buddy’s yard.

I only smoked crack to bust a nut. Crack made me horny, and I found out 2 years before that the best time to take a hit of crack was just before I came, exhaling as I came, which literally gave me the best orgasm that I ever had. All I did while smoking crack was masturbate.

On one call, a client asked me if I had ever messed around with leather. I told him no, but I was not afraid to try whatever it was that he wanted to try. I needed the money to get high and so I told him I was on my way.

When I got there, he showed the straps that he wanted to use on me, but he had not explained how he wanted to use them. Instead, he just told me that he wanted to use them.

At this point, we went into his bedroom and he had me get naked. I did and he told me to lie down on the bed. He started tying these leather straps around my penis. They weren’t uncomfortable, to begin with, but then things started to change.

He started tightening them around my testicles, then putting my strained testicles into his mouth. It was very uncomfortable, but it didn’t hurt terribly at this point, but then, he amped up the pain 1000%. He tightened these straps down as hard as he could and started sucking on my testicles relentlessly. I was trying to go with the flow, but I promise you, you have never felt sustained pain to your testicles like I felt this day. And if you have and enjoy it, I have no idea how. This was legitimate torture.

After about 20 minutes of this (YES, 20 minutes of torture), I gave up and told him that I couldn’t take anymore. I told him that it hurt so badly. He relented and reluctantly took the horrible leather torture strap from around my penis and scrotum, and I could finally breath.

He told me that he was going to pay me the full amount even though I didn’t give him the full hour that he paid for, and I got dressed. He went over to his carpet, pulled the corner up, grabbed the $200 that was under there, and handed it to me.

I limped out of there, jumped in my car, and drove to the dope mans house. I had not enjoyed myself one single bit, but I still wanted to get high and masturbate. This was all that was on my mind the entire time, to just make it through it  so I could get high.

During this time, I was deciding whether or not this could be a good place to settle down with Lucy, and so, to see what the work was like down here, I decided to go job searching. It didn’t take me very long to find a serving job.

I got hired into the little mom and pop restaurant and instead of me serving tables like I thought, they put me in this stupid training program, which, after about a week or so of working there, I really hated it. I was basically a bus boy, and I that is not what I signed up for.

Instead of doing my job like they wanted me to, I would get high before hand, and still come into work. I was high on crack running around this restaurant, looking like a crack head. I didn’t care. I wasn’t making any money, and after about 2 weeks in this dump without them moving up to serving, I quit on what was expected to be the busiest night of the season. I left them high and dry because they lied and told me that I was going to be serving. Good riddance.

I ended up getting another call from a guy about 30 miles north of where I was, and so I went to do the call with him. He wanted me to meet him at a hotel.

When I got there, he told me that this would be his first experience with a man, and that he would pay really well, but that I he only had a check, and no cash. I was wowed at this. I had just wasted the last of my gas to get this man, all for a check.

He told me to not worry, that the check was good, and that I could cash it the next day, to please stay and do this with him because he liked what he seen with me and thought that I would be the perfect person to be his first. I was very hesitant, but in the end, I decided to trust this man. He told me that he would give me $350 for my time, and so, that was that.

We ended up messing around for a little bit, but because I wasn’t sure about the money, he didn’t have my full attention. I tried to just get this done as quickly as possible to try and get things in order for a call that I could make some CASH on.

I gave him oral for a little bit, but then I ended making him give me oral, until I came in his mouth. I did what I wanted to him.

After that, he had me do something very strange to me at the time. He asked me to blow into his truck to clear his breathalyzer. I helped him and he got on his way, reminding me to not try to cash the check until the next day. I jumped in my car and took off.

That night, I was lucky enough to find another call, this one for cash. And he was cool, ended up having a decent conversation while he took care of me.

That is the thing. Most times, I didn’t have to do anything,. I was willing to do everything, but because I have a big penis, clients really just liked touching and playing with it, giving me oral. I didn’t mind because I got paid for my time, and not for what happened during that time.

The next day, I went to the bank to cash that check, and thankfully, it actually cleared. I was $350 richer AND higher off of crack. The problem was, was that I was not really liking the prospects that I was finding in South Carolina. And to top it off, I really wasn’t enjoying the crack any more. It was weak.

The reality was, I was tired of being there. I just wanted to not struggle anymore. I had been talking to Lucy here and there, and so I decided to call her and tell her that I had failed and that I was ready to give up on wish of moving us away from that trailer park. I asked her if she could get any money to get me home, and she told me that she could, and so, that was that.

She sent me some money from gran. I went to my buddies and told him that I was going to head out, that I couldn’t make it down there, and that I was going home, but that I had appreciated everything that he and his family had done for me. I think they knew that I was on crack bad, but I don’t think they had any idea how I was getting the money to get high.

It was time to get a move on, and head on back home. I really was home sick, but not because of love. I wanted to get back and not have to pay for my own way, plus, I wanted to do this craigslist stuff in my own state.

It was getting cold there in South Carolina, but it wasn’t nothing like I was going back to. It was time to get on the road back to full blown winter.

Chapter 3 – E05


Chapter 3

Before we left the hospital, a nurse came up to us and asked if we wanted to do a paternity test to split custody. She said it would cost $500. We didn’t have that money, so she said if I was sure I was the father, that I could sign a paternity affidavit. This would allow me to be the father on the birth certificate and for my son to have my last name. She told me that I would not have any custody rights though until paternity was legally established. I figured this was not a problem and I signed the paperwork. This was second worst split-decision I had ever made. She had 100% custody and that meant she had all the responsibility, or, if she wanted to, have a very powerful weapon to hurt me. How do you think this plays out?

We left the hospital 2 days later, and went back to the trailer. Now that our son was born, gran was not thinking about kicking me out anymore. Everything had changed overnight.

That thing Ralph had been working on was a complete remodel of our room into a nice room with blue (boy) colors and a basinet. It was very nice and had the words “Never go to sleep without kissing me goodnight” above his bed. My son was perfect and this was a perfect gift to us, even though Ralph was always doing us terribly. I forgave him for all the “before”, but then, just as before, it all started up again.

Lucy started having friends over and starting becoming really lazy. She was addicted to Facebook and whenever we would get into an argument, she would passively aggressively post comments that were ridiculous just to piss me off, saying that nobody knows that she is talking about me. EVERYONE knew she was talking bad about me publicly. I began to despise her.

I took care of my son. I never EVER asked her to do anything for him. Whatever situation came up, I handled right then and there. She, on the other hand, would ask me to change his diaper, feed him, get him dressed, wake up and take care of him (even though I worked 12 hour days) and do literally everything for him. Me. Not only these things, but I would constantly come home to a dirty house. It got very tiring and eventually I just had enough.

The problem was this: ever since she moved in with gran when she was 14, she had been pampered, princess-ified, and so she had no responsibility. I had hoped as our relationship progressed that she would see that the real word requires that we not be lazy, but of course, that was never the case. It got way worse after our son was born. Plus, gran got a disability check each month, and would give her about $400 of it no matter what. It was terrible.

Finally, that aunt from New York came out to visit us saying that she wanted to meet my son. When she got there, she had an ounce of weed meet her at our doorstep via UPS. We smoked for a couple of days, but then, she started being very stingy and taking up space at our home. I was getting badmouthed again, and so, one day, I went into work, told them that I needed to switch shifts and start cooking because everything was taking a toll on me in life, and I need a break from the public. My work agreed, put me on a duel schedule, serve this day, and cook this day. This caused tax problems though, so I wasn’t making as much as I should of. This was the final straw.

I had about $200. I went home, told Lucy that I had had enough, and that I was going to take the car, the $200 and I was going to head south. I wanted to move us somewhere fresh. A new start. The truth was, I needed to get her out of her comfort zone because I was exhausted from the constant abuse and the mental/physical strain of shouldering all of the responsibility, I was sick of my state and it was time to make a move.

I called my work, told them I couldn’t work anymore, that I was having a breakdown, packed up the crossover, told Lucy that I would let her know when I found us a place, and that I would talk to her everyday to let her know I was alright. That was the plan to her. That wasn’t the plan in reality. I wanted to get high.
I jumped on the road that night, headed for Nashville Tennessee which I was told was a nice place to get restarted by someone years before. and was ready to start pit stopping on my way through major cities, looking for crack dealers.

I didn’t find anything until I finally reached the north side of Nashville, a terrible and seedy place.

I was sitting at a gas station when all of a sudden I seen this woman that definitely looked like a crack smoker walking into the Jack-in-the-Box beside the gas station. I pulled up to her and told her I was looking for some dope. She asked if I was the police and I told her no. I told her I just moved here and am trying to get high. She helped me handle that.

That night, the dealer came over to the motel room I was staying at and told me he would give me a fat rock if he could use my vehicle for a little while. I hesitated, but then said yes.

He took off, and I started getting high. After the dope was gone, I started getting very nervous about him bringing back my car. He DID come back though, surprisingly. From that point on, we were cool. He introduced me to a prostitute that needed a driver and that is what I became, her driver.

She would post ads on this new website (at the time) called backpage.com, and I got to witness the power of this site first hand. She would go on 2-5 calls a day and make $150 each time. For me driving her, I was to get $40 per call. She was an I.V. heroin user and I was a crack smoker.

I hadn’t talked to Lucy for 2 weeks because I sold my phone for crack to the first woman that I had met at the gas station. I did call her after this and told her that I left my phone on the front seat of the car while at McDonalds and that someone had stolen it while I was in the bathroom. I told her that I would call her as much as possible though. I told her that I was driving a heroin dealer (not crack dealer because that would have tipped her off) around and that I was trying to get paid.

I also got a job while I was there, and was finally able to send her a little money, but that didn’t last long and I was starting to realize Nashville was a bad idea. Not because of Nashville, but because of me and the company I kept.

A bunch of stuff just kept happening. See, crack is a dollar-a-minute drug. Dealer would pay me in dope, then after I had smoked up my quota, I wouldn’t want to drive them around. I wanted to be high all the time, and unfortunately, that wasn’t going to work. He didn’t sell enough dope to really make any money, so he couldn’t just give me as much as I wanted. It sucked.

We were always trying to figure out what to do with the day. They would have me pick them up each day, and we would get into something, whether it would be taking stolen goods that were traded to him for dope, to pawnshops, or stealing from stores, to taking the prostitute out to her calls. Nothing good happened while in the company of these people. In fact, at one point, the prostitute called us and told us to come up and rob one of her clients that was drunk. Of course, Dealer went right up and did that, with his brother in tow. And since it was my car, I became the getaway driver. It was insane. They told me that when they went into the room, the prostitute had made him get butt naked and when he was on the bed, opened the door for Dealer and his brother. They then took his pants and phone, told him not to get off the bed, and all three of them ran out of the room. I took off like a bat out of hell, and got on the freeway asap. I hated that I had to be a part of this but we made it away.

The next day, I was having problems starting my car. For the next few days I had to keep getting a jump for it. It was tiring. I found out that the battery had a bad cell and Dealer wasn’t about to pay for it. He said “it wasn’t my fault that you use all the dope I give you to get high. Why don’t you sell some of it and buy a battery?” which was the stupidest thing I had ever heard. I SMOKE crack, not SELL crack. Since they were using my vehicle, maintenance should have been at the top of the list of things that NEEDED to be done. But no, that was not the case at all. Instead, shortly after this, we went to Wal-Mart, and because I didn’t want to have to keep jumping the car, I simply walked into Wal-Mart, grabbed a battery off of the shelf, and walked right out the door.

Dealer and his brother were stupefied. They said they had never seen anything like what I did before. I told them that it was easy, and that I was going to hook this battery up and see if it worked. It did. Thankfully that was all it really needed. After that, I was a hero. Well for the time being.

A couple of days later, Dealer ended up getting arrested for something, and his brother called me and told me to come help get him out. I did, and I when I got there, he gave me a whole bunch of dope and told me to help him figure out a way. I had no idea what to do for him. But thankfully, somehow, just a couple of hours later, Dealer was released from jail, and we went to pick him up. We then went and picked up the prostitute and those 2 got her some heroin, a hotel room, and they had sex all night. I had to stay in my car. That was the thing: the prostitute loved having sex with Dealer. He was the only one that she WANTED to have sex with, whereas all of her clients were just that. Clients.

Also, one of the things that I hated about this woman was that she had a puppy that she didn’t take care of and would NOT get rid of. Whenever we would get a hotel room, she would leave the dog in the room while we were gone, and this animal would tear up the entire room. Whenever she would do a shot of dope while I was gone, she would nod out and this animal would tear up everything while she was there. And guess who had to come and clean up the mess each time. This caused all kinds of issues between us as well.

At one point after this, the Dealer and the prostitute got into an argument and they finally split. When this happened, I tried to make her leave Dealer alone, and not bother him because he was preventing me from taking advantage of this situation and getting the money that I deserved. Also, whenever he was around, she would talk bad about me and treat me terribly. With him out of the picture, I didn’t have to worry about her talking crap. She was at my mercy because I had the vehicle.

So, after this, I made her get back on her grind. She started turning tricks again, and that was helping me get high. This time, she had no choice but to pay me.

During this time, we had went and picked up her heroin dealer. I got a nice payday from the prostitute and bought like 2 grams of crack. It was the best payout I had had since we had hooked up.

We went to a park and were to wait on a guy to bring this dealer a pack of heroin. It was supposed to be a lot of dope. During the wait, I went into a port-a-potty and started masturbating while getting high. I was very paranoid and kept looking out the vents on top of it. Also, since I had already smoked some of my dope, I couldn’t get an erection. Crack will do that. I ended up not really getting anywhere, so I quit and went back to the car. Almost as soon as I got there, the dealer got his pack and came back to the car. He asked me if I had a problem dropping his buddy off. I told him nope, not at all, and off we went.

I drove up this hill, and at the corner, he jumped out. Just as he was jumping out, a cop pulled up to the corner. I acted nonchalant and drove off. The cop was heading the opposite direction of us, and so as soon as the guy was out of the car, the dealer told me get the heck out of there! I took off as quickly as possible until they were out of view, and then floored it!

I flew around the corner, the whole time the dealer telling me to find somewhere to park as fast as possible! I was like “I’m trying, I’m trying” and seen a Dollar General right down the road. I flew into a parking spot at an odd angle, but it was too late. The cop had seen where I was going.

He hit his blue lights and flew up on us. The dealer and the prostitute were already on their way out of the car, saying to me that they were going in to get some dog food for the dog and that is what I was supposed to tell the cop.

As they were jumping out though, the cops were there. They told them to get back into the car. I said to him when he came up to the car, “what are we doing wrong officer. I haven’t done anything wrong for you to tell me what to do.”

At this, he told me to shut up. He told me that he knew what was going on and even spoke to the dealer by name. He then asked me to get out of the car and to give him my ID.

He pulled me around back of the car, and spoke to me plainly saying “I know what you guys are doing. If I search this vehicle, I’m going to find something.” I said to him “and if you do find something, I am going to be the one in trouble huh?” At this he said, “Yep”. He knew I was afraid because the heroin that the dealer had on him was going to be my responsibility. I was actually terrified, but told him that if he had to search it, to search it.

At this point in time, the cop that was with him came up to me and handed me my ID back, saying that “I wasn’t in the system”. The scariest part was that I had handed him my ID and NOT my driver’s license, because I didn’t HAVE a drivers license. So when this cop came back and said I was clear, I was completely stupefied.

Right then and there, the cop that was questioning me told me that I needed to get in my car and drive away, but that I was not to let the dealer get back in my car.

This was unfathomable. I was supposed to go to jail for the heroin that was hidden in my car seats. On top of that, I had a gram of crack laying in a pile in my center console. All they would have to do is look and all the responsibility fell on me. But they didn’t. They knew the heroin wasn’t mine, and if they were to search, they wouldn’t be able to get the dealer, only me. It wasn’t the dealers time to be caught yet, and so miraculously they let me go, even though I was obviously on crack/cocaine right in front of them. This was just another incidence of divine intervention.

They pulled off. The dealer jumped in and I told them that the cops told me to not let him back in. He said, “forget about them. They are already gone.” I was terrified again.

He told me to take him back up the hill and to drop him off. I did as he said and got him as far away from me as possible. Forget that guy.

The prostitute wanted to get a hotel and just chill after that situation. So did I. I just wanted to smoke my crack and come. I was a nervous wreck. So, we just chilled.

She kept talking about Dealer though and unfortunately, a few days later, she ended up bringing him back into her life, and so her nasty attitude started again.

On top of all of this, every time that I got some dope, wherever we were at, I wanted to go into the bathroom and masturbate. Dealer, his brother and the prostitute all hated me for it. Wherever we were, I would be in the bathroom for about 15 minutes and when we were over at one of their peoples house, I would take my dope and go into their bathroom, thus shutting down the bathroom wherever we were. The owners of the dope houses we would go to would start knocking on the door, telling me to come out. I was getting tired of being interrupted.

To top it all off, the prostitute wasn’t paying me like I was supposed to be paid, and so, after about 4 days of Dealer being back in our lives, I got really pissed off.

When she and Dealer walked into his house (where his baby mama and son lived), I resolved to drive off, with all of her belongings in my possession. We are talking $2,000 worth of clothes, lingerie and other valuables, I didn’t care. I had had enough. I pulled off, drove to my buddy’s house and told them to call the cocaine man. When he showed up, I promptly sold all of the prostitutes things for a gram of coke, then went to Wal-Mart, returned a DVD player that Dealer had just, which I had the receipt to, and put that money in my tank and stomach.

While at the gas station, I decided to called Lucy from the store phone and told her I was going somewhere else, that this was a mistake and that I was going to try a new area. I told her I loved her, and that I didn’t have much gas but I was going to figure out a way.

The attendant heard me say this, and was nice enough to put $25 more in my tank. I really needed that and appreciated it. Right then and there I hit the road. I decided to head to South Carolina, specifically, Charleston. I was off.

Chapter 2 – E04



We got on the road an hour later. It was late at night, about 11pm, but I didn’t care, even if we had to stop and rest, we were finally on the road.

The ride was nice. We really got to listen to the fullest, each others music. We had YouTube and an unlimited data cell phone plan, as well as an auxiliary cord to plug into the radio in the rental car. We had fun and enjoyed each other’s company and the ride.

The first sign of trouble came in the state of Pennsylvania. I was going about 80mph with a group of other drivers in a wide open area of road, me being in the passing lane, when all of a sudden, a state cop pops out of nowhere. He hit his blue lights and pulled me over. I was terrified because I was not supposed to be driving the rental. Luckily for me, he just gave me a speeding ticket and let me go on, but, I had a real problem from the event. I was on license probation from an earlier speeding ticket, and if I got any tickets while on this year long probation, I would get my license suspended. I had only 5 or so days left until that probation. I was really hoping that this ticket wouldn’t show up in the state that I lived, but I was definitely wrong.

After 12 hours, we ran out of money for gas, and after figuring out how long it would take to get where we were going, we called gran to get some more money. That only took 2 hours or so, and then we finally got back on the road. We really were not prepared for this trip at all. We went on a whim without any actual planning. The only part we that was planned was where we were going to stay. We took this trip with no money of our own.

We finally got to Long Island 18 hours later and after another hour, finally pulled up to her aunt’s house. She invited us in and we ate dinner. We told her the plan while there, but things were quickly falling away from what I wanted.

In order to get to Manhattan, I would have to drive an hour back, or take a train. Either way, we didn’t have any money for gas or for the train, so I was very limited on what to do here.

We ended up getting $20 from her aunt, but when it was time to get on the train, Lucy wanted to sleep in, instead of going to Times Square with me. It really aggravated me, but I took the train there and tried to pass out cards.

I was really excited. There are LED boards 20 stories up in the air all over Times Square, and after talking to a bunch of vendors there, I finally found a place that would allow me my 30 seconds of fame, which was the opportunity to put a picture of my business card up on one of the LED’s. The store liked the charity I was contributing to with my game, so they allowed me to put the card up for free.

I then went outside and waited. I asked a guy that walked by if he would like to check out my game and he said “Yo, where are you from guy?” I told him my state and he said “Yeah, well, why don’t you go back there. I’m from Brooklyn and I will smack the stuff out of you” I said, “I’m sorry for bothering you”, and went back to wait for my card to pop up on the LED.

I started to tell people walking by that my card was about to pop up on the screen and some started waiting with me, but it was taking too long, and just as I was about to go in and check with the store, all the LED’s in the Square changed blue. Apparently Microsoft had bought out all of the space for this time of night to promote the launch of the Surface. I was so let down. This trip was not working at all. I had timed that card going up on the LED perfectly to match the start of the event in my state, and now I didn’t even get to promote like I wanted to. I should have stayed In my state. All the time and effort spent on building and preparing this game for launch, just to follow some whimsical idea ruined everything for the game. And, as I checked the stats of the game online, nothing changed. The game did poorly. I was so let down and just wanted to get back home so I could move on with my life.

Lucy and her aunt called me and told me that they were downtown. I told them where I was and had them pick me up.

The next day, Lucy and I got into an argument, and I was really ready to leave her behind. Unfortunately, she wasn’t feeling good. She had told her aunt this and her aunt asked her what the symptoms were. She told her.

Her aunt suggested that Lucy get a pregnancy test, and went and bought her one.

An hour later, we were pregnant. I remember thinking right then and there, “It’s okay, I can make this work. I won’t leave. I want to be in this child’s life.” That was the worst split-decision I have ever made. FYI, a child is not an excuse to stay with someone you don’t like. Let’s get into the “Why”.

When we got back to my state, things just kept getting worse. I found a job serving tables, which was completely new to me, but, because l had passed out almost 10,000 business cards for my game and had really only that bad incident in Times Square, so I wanted to try serving. I excelled. I learned the ropes and became better than any other guy at my restaurant.

What was interesting was that there was a 7″ Android tablet on every table. I started wondering if I could get my game on this tablet, and started attempting to do such. I got a hold of the company that owned the tablets, and requested that I put my game on it. They asked me to send the game to them, and I did. They loved it and said if I just made a few simple changes, they would put the game up and see how it did. I said I would see what I could do and get back to them.

About a month after getting back from New York, Lucy and I were arguing one night, and she had a female friend over, this friend having an infantdaughter.

We had literally argued for 4 hours straight, at which point this friend comes in and says, “Can you please quit arguing with her, my child is trying to sleep and you are going to wake her up.” I said, “Lady, get the heck out of here. This is our house. Stupid woman meddling”.

This pissed her off so much that she punched me in my mouth while I was lying in bed. I was already in flames so I jumped up, grabbed her around her neck in a chock hold for a few seconds, the pushed her down the hall away from me. She jumped up and came back swinging. I pushed her hands out of the way and accidently smacked her in the face closed fisted. Not hard, but immediately I told her l didn’t mean to do that. I would never punch a woman. I know better. Still, it happened.

Gran came in saying that she called the police. That freaked me out because of an incident that had happened with my ex-wife (I got a D-Felony Battery for smacking the phone out of her hand). At this point, Lucy and gran surrounded me, pushing me into a corner. She said to me “just relax, everything will be fine. Wait for the cops to get here”. I told her to get out of my way. She wouldn’t so I pushed her down (2 months pregnant) onto a pile of laundry. Again, not hard, but does it matter?

I ran out of the house, jumped into the car I had bought recently with my dad’s help, and drove away at high speed. 1 pulled off the main road, backed into Lucy’s aunts house that lived about 2 miles from us, and waited to see what activity happened. Just as I knew would happen, a cop flew past me going in my last known direction. I started the car and went the opposite direction, I was terrified.

After an hour or so, I called Lucy. She said everything was fine, told me that they just wanted statements, and told they told her friend to go home.

Moving forward to a point just after I talked to that company about putting my game on their tablet, I was pulled over for having one taillight. At this point I was arrested for B-Misdemeanor Battery Resulting In Pain for pushing Lucy. I hadn’t got to see the statement she wrote months before, but apparently she had told them about me pushing her, and instead of me getting in trouble for fighting her friend, or her friend getting in trouble for punching me while I was lying down, I got in trouble for pushing her.

I was arrested and within an hour bonded out by gran at Lucy’s request. I was pissed about finding out she wrote a statement on me, but thankful that she got me bonded out. I had never been bonded out before. That was a first and I felt loved and betrayed at the same time. It was confusing.

Well, the month prior to my arrest, I had been working on a new game designed specifically for that tablet on the tables. I had had 2 choices: 1.) Try to find the money to get my old game updated for $2,000 via new investors who would have to deal with my current investor, or 2.) find $2,500 to build a new game with new investors.

When I got bonded out, I started talking to my bond agents about investing into a game with me, and after 2 weeks, they agreed! I never expected them to want to do this, but they said they wanted to expand their portfolios and this would be something new for them.

I started working immediately. At the same time, I got an email from a girl I never expected to hear from again, This girl was pregnant with another child of mine at the same time and was 7 months along. This woman though, didn’t want me in the child’s life. She was a nurse and was more than capable of caring for the child. I was basically a sperm donor for her.

When she wrote me, it was to tell me that she had had our baby girl, but that she was premature. She was going to let me know how things progressed. 8 days later, I got an email that said the baby was not expected to live beyond a year and that she and I had to make a decision as whether or not to pull the plug on her life. 1 was devastated. I was never even supposed to know anything more about this child, and here this woman comes and tells me that I have to kill one of my children

I didn’t want Lucy to know about me having another child, because from the very get go, I had told her that I didn’t have any children. Now technically, I did, but I didn’t since I was supposed to have no responsibility in with our child.

While trying to hide this from her, she went into my email and found out the truth. She was pissed because at the time, she was 6 months pregnant and thought that OUR child was my only child. We ended up making it through it, but only because my daughter ended up passing away. The night that I was told that I would have to make a decision about my daughters life, I told her the other woman I was on my way to the hospital. When I got there though, I couldn’t find her anywhere, nor could I find my daughter in the registry. I tried and tried to call her, but she wouldn’t answer. The next day though, she called me and told me that our daughter had died and that she would call me with the funeral arrangements. I never even got to meet my daughter alive and she never did call me with the arrangements. I have only a picture of her to remember her, from just after she was born. The one thing important about this situation was this: I didn’t have to decide to whether or not to take my daughter’s life. God did this for me and for that I am grateful.

Now all I was waiting for was the birth of my other child. I had hoped things would get better in life.

At this point, something happened that changed my life. Ralph had left a little baggy of meth on the side of the bathtub. I was very distraught at this time. I was going through so much and I just wanted to get high. I finally decided to try meth. I took the baggy, some aluminum foil and a straw, went out to the car, and smoked it just like I had seen Ralph doing. It was amazing. I had just tried meth for the first time.

I didn’t make it a habit to do. In fact, over the next year, I only did it 3 more time, all within 3 days. I tried to avoid doing it because it made me much more sexual, able to last longer, and I felt like Lucy could tell when I was high.

Those 3 days, I went over to one of Ralph’s friend’s house, someone that used, and asked him to get high with me. I went to his house because I Lucy and I got into an argument I packed my stuff, and his was the first place I thought to go. He needed help remodeling his house, and he said I could stay if I helped him. I agreed. This caused all kinds of problems.

When she found me, she knew from that point on that I was getting high. Over the next few days, we started talking to each other again, trying to workthings out.

One day though, I took the car and went to my buddy’s house. She didn’t want me going there anymore though, because I told her I wouldn’t get high from then on. I lied. I pulled the car Into the backyard and went inside. I got some meth off of him, went into the bathroom, started masturbating, and all of a sudden, I heard a knock on the front door. It was Lucy. I could hear her saying “where is he?” My friend said “He hadn’t seen me”, and she said, “Do you think I’m stupid? My car is parked out back of your house, Where is he?” So he let her in. I was trying to clean up from the lotion when she barged in saying “WHAT THE HECK? I thought you were done?”

From that point, I was done. For the time being at least.

Gran and I started arguing a lot. She started getting dementia is what her family was telling me, but they weren’t taking their own words to heart.

Whenever gran would get mad at me, if Ralph was in the house, he would take personal offense and try fighting me. If gran told him to throw me out of the house, he would try. Lucy and I constantly had to move into weekly hotels while waiting for gran to come back down to earth. It was ridiculous. Lucy kept coming with me to the motels even though she didn’t have to. It was her excuse to say that she was going through things with me. Whenever she would say that, I would say “but you don’t have to, so stop acting like you have problems”. I was the one being targeted, even though she was 6, 7 and 8, months pregnant along. At this time, you would have thought that her family would have been more considerate of her pregnancy, but they are very selfish. They only thought about themselves. It was disgusting.

I was making a lot of money a day during this time, but here is the thing: I was spending money on crack again. I had someone at my work that could get it. So, instead of telling Lucy how much I actually made serving tables each night, instead I would put back a certain amount so I could get high, only telling her the total amount AFTER I took out my dope money. I usually made about $100 a day, but when I started smoking crack again, I was telling her I made only $25 to $50 a day, with the excuse that “work was slow.”

I had been caught smoking crack 2 times before by her. She always knew when I was out getting high because I wouldn’t answer my phone for hours, when I normally would answer it. Every time she would catch me, I would have to come back and tell her that I spent all my money, and to “please take me back. I have a problem. Please forgive me.” Remember, I didn’t want to be with her in the first place. I only wanted to be in my child’s life. She would always take me back after a couple of hours though.

All summer I just kept getting kicked out and it was frustrating. We were also doing a lot of pills at this time. Gran would get 150 7.5 Vicodin each month, sell 75 to 100 of them and give the rest to us, We used them for sex and never got addicted. It was a lot of fun.

At the end of the summer, when she was 9 months pregnant, gran kicked me out again. We luckily had a buy here/pay here crossover and so what I ended up doing was getting a tent and camping about a half mile down the road from my new work. It was awesome.

Finally, one night, while in the tent, it was raining outside and we decided to have sex. Everything was right about the situation to make it the most memorable sex I have ever had. To top it all off, just as I came, she told me her water just broke.

Off to the hospital we went. She was admitted and I had to get high. I told her that I was going to get some weed, which I did. It took me 2 hours to find some. She was so pissed when I got back saying “what if I would have had the baby?” I was just like, “sorry, I needed to get high”

While we were in the hospital, Ralph called us and told us that he was working on something at the trailer for us. I said “right on” and let him know where she was at in having the baby, then hung up.

After 8 hours, my son started having heart problems. His pulse would go up real fast then plummet. The doctors monitored this then finally came to agreement that the baby needed to come out right then and there. They set her up for a C-section and within minutes had cut my son out of this woman.

I had never felt more love for anything in my life. When they put my son in my arms, I knew my life would be changed forever. I thought, at least.

Chapter 1 – E03

Here is the beginning of the “crazy”.



When we finally met, Lucy and her 2 cousins came to pick me up late one night. It was a nice ride and I was thankful to get away from where I was after the grueling heat and crack/cocaine of the previous 2 months.

Lucy had a beautiful face, but she was a bigger girl. I didn’t mind that, but she was one of those that wouldn’t give you the full scope of her size because online, she didn’t want to take pictures that were accurate, Basically, she was a manipulator, just like me. We both lied about something: Her, her size, and me? Well, I didn’t lie, I just didn’t tell her that I had a drug problem that I was trying to escape. I liked her though. She was a loner, and we got along on the phone, so I decided to ride this out and see where it went.

When we got to her town, we pulled up to her trailer in the trailer park they lived in. It was small, but pretty well maintained. She lived with her grandma and her brother Ralph, the second worst person I have ever met.

Immediately I could tell he was high on meth, but he seemed like a nice enough guy. Could I ever have been more wrong? The answer is no. I asked her why she didn’t tell me her brother was a meth-head and she said “I didn’t want you to think of me as a bad person because of my brother. I just wanted a chance.” This whole situation was bad, but being away from where I was was all I cared about and so the bad vibe sense was pushed away. I should have not pushed it away. I had never done meth before, and didn’t start at this moment. My friend had always told me not to do it, so I was afraid of it anyway. But I got to see firsthand what it did to people.

Ralph had a huge truck, and so we all piled into it, me, Lucy and him. It was late at night, so we took a ride. This was truly a “country” family. Redneck is the word that comes to mind.

The first night was pretty fun, riding around and talking. We went to bed without incident and woke up the next morning to them wanting me to make breakfast, since I had told them all that I could cook very well, so I did. I don’t remember what we had, but it was a nice breakfast. I brought her grandma a plate because she was in a wheelchair, then I did the dishes. I was trying to make the best impression that I could and it was working.

That night, after driving around for a little while and meeting some of Ralph’s friends, we got a phone call from one of them that said he was about to get into a fight, and since Ralph was high on meth, he wanted EVERYTHING to do with that, so we drove over there. I was down for whatever and told him.

While we waited for the fight to come to his friend’s house, we smoked a blunt. It quickly became apparent that the people that wanted to fight did not actually want to fight, just talk smack, so we left. While on the way, another friend of his called and said that some guys were coming over to jump him. Once again, off we went, back to the trailer park.

This time, when we got there, Ralph told Lucy to go inside and stay there, and to pray that God was with us. He told her that he did not want her to see this, and then he grabbed a Louisville Slugger baseball bat and told me to grab a three foot long 2×2 plank. From there we started to run between trailers until we got to his buddies, an army vet heroin addict.

When we arrived, there were other people there, and Ralph told them all what the plan was. He was going to beat them to death with baseball bat, we werethen to drag them into the field, dig a hole, throw the bodies in, everyone was to touch the murder weapons and we would bury them in the hole with the bodies. Just at that point, when everyone was in shock from this statement, the people pulled up.

Ralph and I hid beside the trailer as two very big guys walked up to his friend. Without any hesitation, Ralph came out of hiding and started swinging.

The first thing that was said was “OH CRUD, THEY HAVE BATS!” and then Ralph missed with the first swing, but not the second. The guy he hit was instantly on the ground and they slid into the corn field where Ralph began beating him profusely in the head with the bat. His buddy was not about to let this happen, and so started running up behind him to save him.

The five others there, including myself, were still in shock, but when I watched the guys buddy running up on Ralph, I yelled out “BEHIND YOU!” It was right at the perfect time. Ralph heard it, spun, and when the guy hit him, he flipped him up and over his head into the cornfield as well. Then he found the bat, and started beating the guy in the face with the tip, ramming it downward grossly.

To stop the other guy from jumping in again, I ran up with my 2×2 out, and told him to stay down. When he tried to get up, I hit him twice on the side of the leg at the knee joint. Then I looked at him and told him to “get the heck out of here, both of you!”

At that moment in time, they were blessed by God, because Ralph stopped beating the other, and let him get up to run away with his friend.

As they were running away, they jumped into their van, and started yelling at us that “we were dead”. At this, Ralph threw the bat at the passenger side window from 30 feet away, just barely missing the bat going into the van. At this they stopped like they were going to pick up the bat, then thought different and screeched off.

Let me just say this: if not for me telling them to leave, they would have been dead men and I would have been a part of a murder. I saved their lives. This was the most terrifying moment of my life.

When we got back to the trailer, I was a hero. I had proved myself that I had meth-head Ralph’s back, and that night Lucy and I had sex for the first time and it was amazing, Condom at first, but after the night I had, the condom came off and stayed off every time from then on. I was a part of this family. I was invited to stay there. End of day two.

After that, it never got THAT bad again, but it was still VERY bad. In order to get high, Ralph would try to find people that would go into pharmacies and buy Sudafed for him. He would pay that person $20 to do it, and then sell the box, called “boxes”, to the dope man for between a half gram and a gram of dope per box.

One day, he asked me if I knew anyone that would buy boxes, and I told him that I could probably get a lot of people that I knew in my last town to do this, so he handed me and Lucy $300 and told us to bring back as many boxes as possible.

Lucy and I took a ride to my old town but on the way, I told her that I could probably buy an 8-ball of crack and sell it to make even more money than we had to buy boxes, and that I could do it quickly because I knew just the person to take it to, and that is what we did. When I got the dope, we drove over to my ex-wife’s uncles and I went inside, telling her to wait for me. I would try not to be long. When I got inside, I said “let’s try this and see how it is” It wasn’t great, but as soon as I hit it, I wanted to smoke more, naturally. I didn’t sell any of it, and had to finally come out and tell her that I smoked it all. She was devastated. This was the first time that she found out I smoked crack AND I had just spend about $175 on crack out of the $300 and still had to buy boxes. At $12 a box and $20 to each buyer, I could only afford 3 boxes instead of 7 or 8 if done right. So, we started buying boxes ourselves, 1 each because we hadn’t bought boxes ourselves yet.

By the way, back then you were allowed to buy 3 boxes in a 30 day period, and no more than 2 in a week by federal regulation. From what I understand now though, you have to have a prescription for all over-the-counter Sudafed, period.

We spent $24 there, and still had $100 left. I was able to get 2 other people to buy them for us as well, at $60, but that was all. We then had to figure out what to do about the missing $175. Luckily Lucy had some money in the bank and said that she would cover $100, so that we could give her brother back $140 and 4 boxes. It worked thank God, because, as you can imagine, I did not want to be on Ralph’s bad side.

Eventually Ralph had a friend that was trying to learn how to “shake and bake” meth, and so of course, Ralph wanted to learn how as well. This is when I found out that he was the best thief I had ever met.

He started stealing supplies need to shake up 2.2 grams of meth in a bottle. Once he had all the supplies, it was time to shake it up.

He did this in the trailer with his grandma, Lucy and I all present. The trailer belonged to his grandma and she allowed this take place. She was 78 years old.

After a little trial and error, these guys got it down pat. They trailer started smelling from the gassing of the bottle, and grandma said they couldn’t do it inthe house anymore, so the two guys, being tweakers, created an enclosed porch outside where they could do all of their dirty work, eventually converting a shed totheir base of operations. It was all very disgusting, to be honest.

Now, I want to go back a little ways. For the last year and a half I had spent $18,000 building a Smartphone game and everything was set up for my partner and Ito become successful. We were getting ready for the event that we were sponsoring but right before that time came, Lucy suggested that we take a trip to New York.

In order to do this, we needed to rent a car because we didn’t have one. Neither of us had a debit card, so we convinced gran to rent the car in her name. After hours of trying to accomplish this, going round and round with the rental company, trying to make sure that they didn’t find out they we were the ones that would be driving the car, we finally got gran in and had her drive us around the corner, where we could move her to the back so one of us could drive.

After we got gran home and out of the car, I was ready to hit the road. We had all the details set up. We had a place to stay with Lucy’s aunt out in New York, and a plan to promote the game on the day of the event in Manhattan instead of me being at the event personally. I had 2,000 business cards ready to pass out. I was ready to go.

After 5 hours of having the car, and asking Lucy if she was ready yet, her balking each time, I finally said, “look, we have this car for a week. Can we please get on the road?” At this, she looked at me and said “You aren’t even paying for the trip. My grandma is. Chill out.”

I was not at all ready for that response. This was the first time Lucy had acted that way. We had been together for about 45 days. This response pissed me off, and really, I had had enough of Ralph and recently, gran had started in on my as well for not having a job. After we had gotten back from my town buying boxes, Lucy had quit her job. Everyone was blaming me for that. We had met early October and now we were in mid-November. In my heart I had resolved to take advantage of this situation to promote my game in New York and as soon as we returned, I was going to split. All I had to do was make it through the next week and I was done with this situation. Hopefully I would be rich after the event and everything would move forward as my partner and I had planned. New York was the key, or so I thought.

Prologue – E02

This is the backstory, everything leading up to the Chapter 1 – E03.


I had just turned 34 years old at the time of completing the writing of this book. The period that I am starting this off at is about a week after my 29thbirthday. I’d like to give you a brief summary of what my life was like prior to this writing. I have been through a lot.

My parents were divorced at 5, I was abandoned by my father at 7 and sent to my mothers, my mother remarried when I was 11 to a man that was abusive both physically and emotionally towards me, I started smoking cigarettes, and was sent to juvenile detention at 14, I was expelled from 3 schools due to my rebellious behavior, fought often because of being bullied, went to foster care at 15, went to Job Corps at 16, started smoking pot and drinking as well as lost my virginity at said Job Corp, went to the Army at 17, was ‘other than honorably’ discharged due to my conduct, got my first apartment at 18, went homeless shortly afterwards for not being able to hold a job, started doing cocaine at that point, then moved on to crack/cocaine, had to stay with a gay man for some nights and experimented with homosexuality, stole a car to get out of the cold, that car broke down and so I had to steal another car, went on high speed pursuit before crashing into a house at 90mph without a seatbelt on(taking no physical damage), went to jail, got out, failed at probation, got caught up with some people that were committing armed robberies, went to prison for 2 ½ years, got out of prison when I was 22 and met my African American ex-wife. At 23, after completing my parole, I slapped the phone out of her hand and received a felony battery, got put on house arrest, and then married her after the fact. I did 2 years of probation. During that time, at the age of 24, I started college. I ended up blowing my $31,000 worth of school loans on frivolous things like gold for my ex-wife and electronics for myself, and after another 2 years, at the age of 27, ended up getting into mutual combat with her, thus ending our marriage. I then met another African American woman who helped me get my divorce finalized, moved to a major city with her, continued college, and started my first business, which didn’t succeed. At 28, I got heavily back into crack/cocaine use, started building a video game with an investors’ money, lost all my own money due to my crack use, but completed my game. I went to rehab, did drugs in rehab and got kicked out. After this, just before I turned 29, I went back to my ex-wife, smoked a lot of crack with her uncle, started looking online for somewhere to go, and finally, 4 days after I turned 29, I met Lucy online.

Meeting Lucy in person is where this story begins.

Authors Note – E01

This is the beginning of a journey that will save many lives and prevent so much heartache.


None of the books you may have read about Meth give a truly informative and detailed account of what really happens to your life. So, I’m here to detail the extreme. Believe me, you may think you are safe from it, but I have seen so many people that you would never expect to do Meth, get caught in its grasp and fall, quickly, all the way to the bottom. I myself included.

In this podcast, I will talk about literally 1000 reasons NOT to try it. Count them as we go.

I have made all of the mistakes possible to show you what happens at an extreme level of meth usage. Obviously, if you try it, have tried it, are a regular user or have gotten clean, my life is not yours, and you may or may not do, or have done, the things that I myself have done while on meth.

This podcast is designed to scare the living crap out of you. It covers the years 29-34 (five years) of my life in every highly sordid, disgusting, dirty, foul, filthy, repulsive, gross, and stomach-turning detail. It is my wish that every single teenager on the planet listen to this show, but I hope everyone else wants to know exactly what meth does, or can do, to a person as well. So please listen in.

This show is no-holds-barred, but I am and will do my very best to use politically correct terminology throughout. There will no cursing, or use of obscene/vulgar language. The content IS highly graphic though. You have been warned. Please do not let these warnings stop you from listening in. It is for your well being that I am laying bare this part of my life and I really hope that all of you, the listeners, take to heart the message that I am trying to convey here, which is, DO NOT DO DRUGS, but ESPECIALLY do not do METH!

If you would, please share this show using every avenue possible. This podcast may not be for you, but I promise that you know someone that really needs to hear my words. Don’t deny them a life free of meth. Just don’t. Think about others. If you do invite someone to listen in, make sure they start from the beginning, from this moment right here.

I have written most of this as a misery memoir that I am self publishing, and that memoir is available at scaredtometh.me. The words that I am saying to you, I am reading directly from my book, minus this PODCAST AUTHORS NOTE. Please visit scaredtometh.me and click on the link “A Place to Say” to discuss anything that you would like to discuss with me. Feel free to leave a message for me and tell me what you think.

My name is Me!IAmHeORHimOrHis, and I hope that my story makes you “Scared To METH”

By the way, do you know what METH stands for?